his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
