I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
