I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
