Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
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I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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