you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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