You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
