my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
