gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
