Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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