True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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