Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
