I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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