my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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