Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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