i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
