Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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