the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
