I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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