I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
