well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
