your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
