we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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