im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
