End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
