Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
