I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
