My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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