chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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