After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
