I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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