oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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