According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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