Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
