omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
