so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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