Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
