I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
