Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
