He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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