textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
