I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
