Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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