Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize