I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
