you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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