So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
