What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
