when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
