so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
