I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
