he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
