Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
