so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
