Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
